The promises

For a very long time it has been so difficult for me to understand how the system destroys life and why our civilization is at the ends it is currently. I think the mistake is very simple. I have written about it in length many times, describing the patterns which have proven to be false in my life. The problem has always been though that today we are not trained to follow long thoughts and to concentrate on an abstract subject for a long time. Today such communication is very confusing and tiring for us - this is the reason most of the people do not read "serious" books anymore. This is the reason why after Tarkovsky nothing substantial happened in cinema.

So today I'm trying to explain in another way what's wrong according to me. Many of you do not know I'm an expert in Crisis Management. In the last 10 years I have personally saved five multi-million companies. When I say personally I mean that without me in the equation those would be long bankrupt (they were when I had to step in). Doesn't matter, what I wanted to say is that I am professionally trained to see problems in social structures and to fix them. This is my profession and I am more than excellent in it. Companies like IBM, SAP and NCR say so, it is not my idea.

In the last couple of years though I lost interest in the corporate world. I had reached the point I could do almost anything and at this moment each corporation wants to use such people to bend rules, to go around laws, to fuck up employees' lives - anything to make higher numbers. And they already know you can do it. It is a clear choice - yes or no. Almost like in the Matrix.

Instead of pursuing gold I decided to fix my life. When I was a kid me and my brothers never had much money. Our family was among the richest but we fell victims of political wars inside the family, the result of which was that we were denied many normal things. We were not denied one thing - freedom. We were left alone to do whatever we wanted as long as there was no trouble (including school). And we did - we had the best times of our lives with much less money than most other kids.

Being a confused person, I asked myself - how come being able to make piles of money I'm growing unhappier while once upon a time I was much happier with proportionally much less money? So again I came to one of the simplest questions - what makes us happy? What makes me happy? And then I started again rediscovering myself - like a project. In a project I usually gather all the information, put everything before me, organize it and then I start seeking for the main "idea/heart" of the project. For example what makes a once successful travel agency go bankrupt? The loss of trust of its customers. This is the reason why Microsoft is gone - no one trusts them anymore, even their "friends".

So what makes me unhappy? In a project where I cannot immediately find the problem I start subtracting what is unimportant. We all learn to do this in our early years. So I started removing - my job, some unnecessary extras at first, and one by one I reached to the point where I had removed everything but the problem persisted. So the problem was in me. From the very beginning. Then I had to find the problem itself.

The best tool in searching for a problem when you know in which subject/item it is (for example one of your printers stopped working and the shipment will not make the airplane) - you start looking at the historical records. When was the problem noticed first? Hmmmm.... I first noticed the problem in the kindergarten - this was the first place I felt utterly unhappy at. That's a problem - this was 32 years ago. So I had to try and remember, but how do you try to remember something that happened so long ago ? I remember bits and pieces which mix with stories I have heard from parents and relatives. I remember persuading my parents not to take me there. I remember crying and being very unhappy. Still I could not understand.

Then the other day I had a clash with one of my brothers. A minor clash in which I tried to explain to him how people communicate with each other - something most of the people today are incapable of doing at a reasonable basic level. Most of the people today miscommunicate but thats another story and quite a long one. This mini-fight helped me realize what went wrong. By taking me to the kindergarten my parents broke my trust in them, same with my other relatives. How? By not telling me the truth. They explained an illusion - nice place, nice kids, nice aunts to take care of me. Bullshit. The end of our family relationship (trust is broken - relationship is severed, no matter home or business) - at my 3 years of age. Beautiful.

And this is the problem with our society. We give promises we do not keep, what is worse in many cases we never meant to keep those promises in the first place. One of the first rules for people who want to start seeing the reality is to stop giving easy promises. The best is to stop giving promises which you are not 1000% sure you will deliver on. And also try to not promise much to yourself. I cheated myself many times without realizing it. This caused much of my unhappiness. Yes, true - my parents hurt me but by far not as bad as I hurt myself. How ? Here it is.

I like giving myself goals. This is how I motivate myself. I decide I want to do something and then I work to achieve it. As a human being I'm capable of achieving almost anything. This is when we people start feeling very strong and start thinking "the sea is only knee-deep". Same with me. The biggest mistake - I started promising myself things and what is worse, many of these promises were heavily influenced by my environment.

So I promised myself a brilliant school career - I almost got it, then I promised myself I would find the one and only love of my life (to last forever and ever) and I started looking. I found it. Then it was time to move out of the country which was being destroyed according to plan. The more I achieved the unhappier I grew. Why ? Because I lost trust in myself.

I promised myself a good education. "Good education" for me is an education without censorship and lies and hidden information. There has not been such an education system in the Western civilization for the last 600 years. So I lost a bit of trust in myself because with time I realized my education was very far from perfect and I was not prepared for life as I had promised myself. At the beginning I thought it was me but slowly I started finding out it was not. I lived in a "group thought". Group thought is a specific phenomenon for ALL living creatures. When they get into groups they start thinking in a different way than when alone. This knowledge is heavily used by Corporations and Institutions (states) - everything they have developed for the last 5.000 years is means with which to keep us inside the "thought group" so we never start thinking individually - we only think as a part of a herd. For example a single wolf thinks in a different way than a pack of wolves. Same goes for dogs, cows, rats, people - you name it. This is nature and there is only little that can be done.

So our society group "thinks" our education is great -> this was imposed on me since day 1 after my birth and when the holes in this educational system made me fail - I automatically started thinking I failed. This is group thought.

So I promised myself a great education - I got an ok education = I lost some trust in me -> I got a bit unhappy.

I promised myself I would move to another country and as I spoke 4 languages and was more than excellent in mathematics and computers - that was supposed to guarantee me a happy life by all illusionary standards advertised on TV. You can never have a great career as an immigrant - the system is specifically created so. I lost a bit more trust in me because I again thought I could have done better. I could have fucked some of my bosses, I could have made the lives of my workers far worse for more company profits, etc. Things I saw on TV happy modern people do to "have great careers and lives". And again I lost a bit more trust in me because the system was inherently broken. It advertised illusions which never existed. I reaped the pain and unhappiness.

I also promised myself I would find the love of my life and we would marry and live happily ever after. In other words to put it simply so everyone (even stupid people as me) can understand what I promised myself - I promised myself to find the best bread in the world and from that moment on until the end of my life I would live happily ever after having this one type of bread only, every day, and nothing else. I could go to the supermarket, walk around the isles but I had promised myself I would never want or touch anything else but that one perfect loaf of bread. I again lost trust in myself. I've seen other food and I've wanted other food. This is the natural law of survival. Most of the people today have never heard that 90% of an wolf's food are insects, mice, herbs and grass. Steaks make up to 10% of the meal, nothing more. So why did I believe I can live on bread only? Because the TV told me so, and its owner - the church told me so. And I believed in this illusion, and I failed again. And again I got a bit disappointed in me for the fault in the system. A fault specifically created to make me think and feel so. Like catching a monkey with a glossy object inside a coconut shell.

So - here I found 3 problems - three huge holes I created in my trust in myself. Since I study myself as a project, I fully realize this project cannot function - this company cannot be recovered from bankruptcy until I start dealing with these issues one by one. It is easy - I just open my eyes and fix my illusions. When you work on a project at the end of each day you look back and think - was there anything you missed or could do better for the project? Was there anything that I could do today to fix a little bit my education by stepping out of the censored media? Was there anything today I could do to feel more realized and successful professionally in the current bankrupt environment? Did I spend some time today with people who gave me love, not just took love from me? I'm not being arrogant - I have learned to give love and it is easy. You just have to get to know the people or the animals around you. Really know them - not impose your illusion on them. The same goes for your own self.